An escort's view on: Married men who pay for sex

Photo by Shelby Deeter on Unsplash

I remember the first time I met a married client. Well the first time a client told me he was married anyway. It was only my second week on the job and I was incredibly naiive to the industry.

I remember feeling shocked, horrified even, that an otherwise seemingly nice “normal” gentleman was cheating on his wife with a 20 year old escort!

Over time I became accustomed to the fact that actually most of my clients would be married. Now, 12 years on, I almost expect them to be and don’t bat an eyelid when I notice a wedding ring on their finger or when they casually mention the wife and kids.

 The personal life of my clients is none of my business. I’m in the business of discretion and don’t ask about their personal relationships, however if they want to offer that information voluntarily, I’m happy to listen.

 The married clients I have met over the years have differing attitudes towards paying for sex:

Guilty

Much like the gentleman I wrote about in my blog Mr Guilty, I meet men who are shrouded by a cloud of guilt. They are often nervous and awkward. They insist they are single despite having a wedding ring on their finger or shakily admit their infidelity as if they were in a confession booth. I’ve had men awkwardly announce they are married as if it will unburden their conscience and free them from their sins. They often hastily make an excuse “but…but my wife and I haven’t had sex in 2 years… so it’s okay” Who are they trying to convince themselves or me?  I smile and nod but inside I’m wondering why they think I care. They should save the excuses for their wife who’s waiting for them at home! The men who feel guilty, (yet not guilty enough to stay faithful!) usually book short appointments and as soon as they orgasm they rush me out the door. They rarely want to chat or build a connection.

Confident

You may be surprised how many men are confidently open about being married. They have played the game for a while and made their peace with the fact they are perusing extra marital sex. They have likely been doing it for years, during every business trip they invite an escort to visit their hotel room or whenever they are out “running errands” they pop by an escort’s incall. They are open, friendly and chatty with no obvious qualms about their actions. I’ve had married men take me to dinner and spend the time happily chatting about the holiday they went on with the wife and kids the week prior, only to then take me back to their room for sex. These guys view seeing a sex worker as simply a business transaction and nothing to be ashamed of.

Open relationship

Rarely, I come across clients who are in an open relationship with their spouse. There are no secrets between them as they have agreed they can sleep with other people. The issue of course is that it is far easier for a woman to find non-strings attached sex than men. Usually, the husband finds his wife inundated with attention whilst he struggles to find a partner to hook up with. The easiest way for him to do this is to pay for it.

The clients I have met in open relationships are usually relaxed about what they are doing. Knowing there are no secrets or lies, they are calmly confident and happy to chat about their situation. Open minded, they are interested in trying new things in the bedroom and open to exploring fantasies. I feel these guys have a healthy, realistic attitude to relationships and sex - they are aware that honesty and communication is important.

Why do married men see sex workers?

Every situation is different and I’ve met hundreds of men over the years with varying reasons, the most common being that they don’t get sex at home and have an itch which needs to be scratched. Often, they are in a stable, loving relationship with a wife they deeply care for. They may have kids and a nice home, which they don’t want to throw away by getting a divorce or cheating in the “real world”. However, they have an urge for intimacy. Perhaps sex work has skewed my views on relationships but I genuinely think it’s unrealistic to expect a partner to go without sex just because you yourself don’t want it. 99% of the time an unsatisfied partner will seek sex elsewhere.

Often clients say it’s not just penetrative, penis in vagina, sex that they miss, but any kind of intimacy. I’ve listened to men sob that their wife no longer kisses them, hugs them or holds their hand. They want an intimate connection rather than solely an orgasm.

Occasionally I meet clients who have an active sex life with their spouse but maybe have a certain kink or fantasy they wish to play out which their wife as no desire for. Some want to be pegged or tied up but despite asking, their wife says no. They therefore pay for the service of a sex worker.

It is obvious to me that some men get off on the thrill of cheating. It is exciting to them and gives them a rush. Rather than go for a full blown affair with a colleague or a woman they meet in a bar, men find it safer to pay a sex worker for discretion. I’m not going to show up on their door step unannounced or phone their wife, the time we spend together is a business transaction and afterwards they are not obliged to ever contact me again.

My view

I’m not in a position to judge a wife who isn’t interested in sex nor a husband who cheats. It is my job to provide a service to any client who treats me with respect regardless of his personal life.

When clients disclose they are married I joke that I would be out of business if it weren’t for married clients! This is mostly true, so many of my clients are in relationships that it no longer strikes me as anything to write home about. I would say that due to my years of escorting there is a part of my mind that believes every married man cheats, of course this isn’t entirely true, but I no longer have the innocent fairytale views on relationships I once had.

Single, lonely guys can become clingy and convince themselves that what we have is “real” as opposed to a paid fantasy- this never happens with married men. Men in committed relationships are aware of the boundaries of our interaction, they know how to treat women with respect, they invite me to their nice hotel rooms rather than their dirty bachelor pads and are usually very conscious of doing “everything right”.

Some people will always cheat, no matter who they are in a relationship with. Women love to blame us sex workers for “tempting” their husbands but that really is not the case. Men are tempted by women, full stop! If there were no sex workers then men would still cheat. I would much prefer my partner to spend one hour with a professional with no emotions involved than have a full on affair with his secretary!

I personally feel that traditional views on monogamy, i.e not having sex before marriage then remaining faithful to your spouse until the day you die is a ridiculous rule imposed by religion. I notice things are slowly changing, and perhaps it’s just the circles I swim in, but more people nowadays are open to the idea of polyamory, open relationships, experimenting with swinging or threesomes. Even those in monogamous relationships are less afraid to communicate their desires with one another.

As a teenager I believed that all forms of cheating were wrong. Sex work has opened my eyes and my mind. I understand the nuances around why some married men always have and always will pay for sex. It is, after all, the easiest, safest and most discreet way to get intimacy outside of a relationship.

The Secret Escort x

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