126 Comments
User's avatar
Jonathan's avatar

"Who are they trying to convince themselves or me? I smile and nod but inside I’m wondering why they think I care."

They already know that you don't care but imagine keeping something that's been burdening you and brewing in a bottle for so long. It's pressure that's waiting to get released. There's no risk of a confession being busted on you. No pun intended.

"as soon as they orgasm they rush me out the door."

A woman will never understand post nut clarity. It's like being drunk and then suddenly snapped into being sober within a second. It's a good and bad feeling tbh.

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

Haha I’ve witnessed “post-nut clarity” many a time but you are right I don’t think women actually experience it themselves.

Thank you for reading 😊

Expand full comment
the unwritten club's avatar

loved the piece @secretescort! just here to point out that women do, in fact, experience post-orgasm clarity too. society normalized this idea that women do not feel or have sex in the same way men do, and while many do not because of their socialization, there are women who do. offering this solely because it's a quietly misogynistic ideal that we can unlearn, together.

Expand full comment
Sara Mozelle's avatar

Women have similar clarity at various points in her cycle, actually

Expand full comment
Robert M.'s avatar

I have a friend who says "Masturbation makes one smarter. Before orgasm you're interested in a woman you shouldn't be with. After orgasm, wisdom prevails.

Expand full comment
𝚗𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚞˙ᵕ˙'s avatar

maybe if you didn’t act like a caveman when horny, you wouldn’t need “clarity” after. some of us are capable of being horny and human at the same time. shocking, ik.

Expand full comment
Kelly Rabideaux-Huq's avatar

Although this is well written it is still an excuse for men’s bad behavior. An apology for deceptive men lying to their wives and placing the blame on their wives. If a man isn’t getting sex at home it begs the question, why? Could it be the “guilty” men who book a short appointment and leave as soon as they get off aren’t acting out of guilt at all but just approach sex this way period? They have some weird shame around sex that keeps them from fulfilling their partner or worse don’t care about their partners needs? Is it possible that the “confident” men are just narcissistic assholes who view women as objects to be used for their own pleasure? That the confident men have abused their marriages to the point that their spouses are no longer interested in sex because all trust has been obliterated. In my opinion, the only honorable men in your piece are the ones in open relationships because they are the only one’s who are not liars. I’m not saying this as a criticism of sex work or even of your observations of men’s behavior but merely to point out that this is only one side of the coin. Each of these married men in the first two categories has a spouse they are lying to and a family they are putting at risk with each encounter. It is not your job as a sex worker to concern yourself with these matters but to provide a service for compensation. But please don’t blame the wives for these men’s choices. You have no idea what has occurred in her marriage that resulted in her no longer wanting intimacy with someone she once loved enough to marry. I’m going to go out on a limb here and propose it might be because they married a lying cheater who is far more concerned with his own needs than hers.

Expand full comment
Kinsey Platte's avatar

Agreed. This did seem a lot like wife shaming. Men should take responsibility for their own actions. It was more of "she did this, so he is forced to..." No. They can take responsibility for their wants and needs. It's a very tired narrative and personally, I'd love to see more explanation that maybe these husbands really just suck as partners.

Expand full comment
Robert M.'s avatar

Do you think it might possibly be a "two-way street?"

Expand full comment
Kelly Rabideaux-Huq's avatar

Is she going outside the marriage for sex without his knowledge? Only then is it a “two way street.” But this was written from only one perspective which portrays these men as liars and unfaithful. Any woman who behaves in this same manner would also be exhibiting “bad behavior” no matter the excuses. Unhappy in your marriage? Be honest, get counseling, renegotiate the contract or end the marriage.

Expand full comment
Sara Mozelle's avatar

In my experience, women stop wanting sex for a few reasons, they feel unsafe, controlled or neglected. I know one couple in an open relationship bc the wife stopped wanting intimacy, but emotionally, she was inwardly wrecked by this. Even though she claimed to be supportive. Anyway, people are so complex. Relationships are too. There’s always the other side of the story too…my ex was always the sad little victim lol

Expand full comment
Sarah Ward's avatar

Such great perspectives! I appreciate how you've noticed these patterns over the years and are willing to share them with the class.

Expand full comment
The Cranky Astrologer's avatar

I love this, thank you. There are thousands of articles out right now about the ‘gender war’ that include hysterical musings re: intimate relations between the sexes. None of them have this kind of concrete, real world perspective.

Expand full comment
Colin Durrant's avatar

Great writing for a start. Secondly, if you do anything that you would not want your partner to do to you then don't do it. If you think it will hurt them if they found out, then don't do it.

I think both sides settle for the relationship they have rather than trying to deepen and strengthen it. If people did the work on themselves and resolved their past trauma etc, then they would have a clearer picture of reality. They would be more aware of their actions and the impact that it has on others. They would take responsibility for their lives and not seek distraction.

Humans have the ability to convince themselves that any action they take is justified, when in reality, it is not. We would live in a better world, if people acted in a better way. If the husband got caught, he would literally create trauma for his wife and kids. Self-responsibility.

Expand full comment
Chester Holic's avatar

What an incredible summary of the male perspecrive. Both depth as well as truth. Sex workers are so under appreciated for the critical and valuable role they plays. Kudos for your bravery and candor. Thank you for the truth!

Expand full comment
Sahr's avatar

There are some very interesting and valuable insights here, yes, but respectfully, I don't think this can be called THE male perspective, as your comment and multiple others are implying. To apply these takeaways to male behavior broadly is to make a very big jump.

Let's be clear: the men who pay for the services of an escort are a very specific, self-selected group (less than 1% of men in any given year, less than 15% of all men in their lives ever, by some estimates).

I think the title does make it clear that this is the author's perspective specifically on married men who pay for sex. But that's a super niche group that we should remember will undoubtedly share some extreme, atypical characteristics separate from the gen pop.

Expand full comment
HBI's avatar
May 12Edited

I actually agree. I'm never going to pay for sex, and i've had a lot of sex with a lot of different women. But I can say honestly that each and every one felt intimate when I did it, and if it didn't it ended immediately. I have gone through 56 years of life without having a one night stand. Mostly serial monogamy (with two notable exceptions).

Without the intimacy, having sex is pointless to me. I can get myself off better than any professional could. Close eyes, bring up spank bank video and it's the easy button. If the young ladies I was in car seats and behind sand dunes with as a teenager knew how much utility those experiences have given me over the years...

I've learned through recovery that any infidelity was just a signal that I was in a relationship I shouldn't be in. I would never do it again. Old-fashioned standards of behavior turn out to be pretty good ideas.

On a tangentially related note, I have found that women in their 50s often go to sex immediately. The impression I get is that they don't know how to feel intimacy aside from that quick fix. Developing boundaries against that was a surprising outcome after my 15 year marriage ended.

Expand full comment
Anyeri's avatar

Loved this! im so glad to see other sex workers sharing their thoughts and experiences on here! you have a new reader and subscriber! 💕💋

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

Thank you for reading!

Expand full comment
Sadie's avatar

I am a S worker too. I will never marry or actually be in a relationship after what I’ve seen with man. I don’t trust them. Their nature. No thanks.

Expand full comment
Robert M.'s avatar

An unfortunate side-effect of sex work

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

I hear this with both ears.

Expand full comment
Corey Banana's avatar

Thank you for writing this!!!!

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

Thanks for taking the time to read it ☺️

Expand full comment
Mike Hickman's avatar

Well written and argued. There's a whole book to be written on this subject...

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

I agree! So many experiences and perspectives. Thanks for reading!

Expand full comment
Francis F's avatar

Love this so much, it’s fascinating, I’ve always got so many questions for you. I personally at 54 , can’t think of anything other than having a monogamous relationship, anything else makes me feel 🤢, but like you my experiences have shown me that guys cheat. I’ve been cheated on by everyone I’ve dated, but not because they are not getting fulfilling sex, cos they are! It’s usually me that wants more 😃 if you ever fancy a read of my dating diaries you can see what I’ve experienced! I’d love to know if you are single or in a relationship? How did you get into this, I hope you are saving all my questions up 😆

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I’ll be sure to have a read of your dating diaries, I love to hear other people’s stories.

Your questions are noted, I have a lot to write about ☺️

Expand full comment
Snuffymcgee's avatar

I agree with every word. I was one of those married men who secretly visited escorts like you. You guys honestly saved my life in the midst of a bad sexless manipulative mentally torturous marriage I didn’t yet have the guts to leave. Thank you and your friends for being there.

I’m now divorced and with a great woman. We satisfy each other completely. But I will always thank sex workers for carrying me through the dark times when I most needed them.

☺️

Expand full comment
Teresa J Conway's avatar

I feel you! ❤️

Expand full comment
Elly Marie (she/her)'s avatar

I have friends who are sex workers and Pro Dommes and I get all the different reasons you mention. What I don’t understand is why there is such a need to lie about all of this. Open and honest communication in relationships, be they monogamous or polyamorous would save so much harm being done in the world. Societies stories around relationships, especially holding monogamous ones on such a pedestal causes so much damage.

Expand full comment
Jenn Pebbles's avatar

Thank you. It’s the lies that are the problem. Either be single or polyamorous if you want to have freer rein.

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

Or celibate! No dragging around anyone's baggage at all!. Don't bother with these men or anyone for a few years and see how your mental health improves

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

Religion. Remember that one. The lake of fire brainwashing, etc, messes with many folks. Also lack of trust between the two!! Old wounds. Buried rage. Rape trauma. Shame. For a few reasons.

Expand full comment
Elly Marie (she/her)'s avatar

Yeah the world has so much to unpack.

Expand full comment
Denso's avatar

How can any of these men be safe or respectful when they use economic power to have their way? That's not consent at all, it's predatory. You talk about them feeling sad about the affair, but no, they just view people as sex dolls becsuse they're bad people. In the circles I live in, people doesn't authentically love each other, resulting in tragic situations like this. Wanting your partner to Se*ually extort someone instead of being a cheater is a terrifying thing to hear imo.

The last thing I want to do is to criticize a sex worker, as they are the victims in this perverted society and are usually in a position where they have no other choice.

I apologize if I am coming off as ignorant or judgemental. I am very passionate about the safety for sex workers and this post solidified as to why. It's another reminder of men's vile nature.

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

It’s not predatory if both parties are enthusiastically consenting. I suggest you subscribe to my blog as this is exactly the kind of stereotype I’m trying to combat :)

Expand full comment
Denso's avatar

That's just reinforcing a terrifying idea that men can continue treating Women as objects. If someone paid me to beat me into a pulp, It would still be wrong as much as I "enthusiastically consented". They can't consent if the reasons for doing it are purely financial. How can you even think that? You're not combating a stereotype, you are apologizing for sex offenders.

I understand wanting to find some justification as they are living in their field (by choice or not), but blending predatory behavior with consent is not something to be normalized. My young niece should not have to live in a world like that. It's wrong

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

why on earth would you consent to being beaten into a pulp?!

I’ve been a sex worker for 12 years and it’s the best job for me, I get treated better than I have done at any other job I’ve had (retail, healthcare, hospitality). We live in a world where us women get sexualised every single moment of every single day, we may as well capitalise off it. Sex work is a choice, it’s literally none of anyone else’s business what people do behind closed doors

Expand full comment
Denso's avatar

That's a hypothetical, I imagine you wouldn't consider that assault if they both "enthusiastically consent". Point Is I Can't consent to harm, no matter how I justify it.

It is your choice. Doesn't change the fact that the men you are defending are awful people who should be in jail and would be too if caught, depending where a person lives. You are absolutely right in what YOU are doing is nobody else's business. As I said, the escorts are the victims. You even admit that you're capitalizing on the creeps, due to their history of it. Which I honestly respect.

But making excuses for the creeps in public post? A world for women to be safe, that's not a hill worth dying on.

Let me reiterate that I have no problem with your field, you don't have to defend what you are doing for a living. If you're happy, I'm happy. But I don't think it's irrational to be critical when someone Is (at least somewhat) making light of SA.

.

Expand full comment
Sarah Manning's avatar

But isn't any kind of work a negative thing? Isn't the exploitation of a McDonald's worker, someone who has the job just for the paycheck, also a bad thing? At least the SWer chose the work!

Expand full comment
Denso's avatar

McDonald's workers are being economically exploited by their bosses, which Is very wrong but not exactly the same as exploiting someone ssexually. As for McD customers, I don't think they conflict as much trauma on the workers as much those who pay for consent (which is in itself not consent)

Expand full comment
Prince Kudu’Ra's avatar

Domestic violence and burglary and embezzlement and rape are done behind closed doors, and they, like sex work, are antisocial behaviors. Sex work could not exist without exploitation and patriarchal oppression, and it is a vector of dehumanization and antisociality itself. Let’s not pretend that sex work is a job like being a barista. It should not exist, and people should not “choose” it, and it we must create a world in which it is an impossibility.

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

That's a lot of SHOULD. You sound jealous.

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

You do not live in q world where women are sexualized every single moment of every single day.

You do live in a world where cunt brained women do feel horrifically sorry for themselves every single moment of every single day for absolutely nu fucking reason.

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

That commenter has so so so much personal work to do. It's so goddamn backwards they think it's right side up again. Wow. Heavy stuff, repressed and confused stuff. Gonna take a lot of work and probably will not get done cuz I'm not sensing a willingness to listen and learn there. This is why the bear is chosen!

Expand full comment
User's avatar
Comment deleted
Oct 18
Comment deleted
Expand full comment
Denso's avatar

Sexual favors and physical labor are two different things. But if your labor is exploited (economically and/physically), then yes, that is also wrong. Both are cases of economic power being used for selfish purposes.

Read again. You may want to live In a world where a woman's body can be served on a plate because that would be easier, but sex workers are the most vulnerable demographic in the world. They are subjected to the most gruesome people who have too much money. The reasons as to why someone becomes a sex worker differ, as it is their choice. That's why it should be decriminalized and create opportunities for escorts to leave their field if they wish. But it doesn't change the fact that sw is systemically disadvantageous in society, and that's because it generally benefits men. You are excusing centuries of bad behavior by acting like the men aren't indulging in predatory behavior

Expand full comment
Sifu's avatar

I agree that SW should be decriminalized, and that would definitely make it safer for the women involved. However, I expect that you might find an increase in women making that choice rather than a decrease.

Expand full comment
Denso's avatar

Again, and that's their right. What Is not right are the men using that as an excuse to justify their sexual exploitation.

Escorts = Innocent

Clients = Sexual extortionists

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

Feminist brainrot

"Enthusiatic consent".

Such fucking garbage.

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

You sound jealous too. It's sad.

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

I don't take womens opinions srsly.

Women.are less intelligent than the average 10 yr old girl. 10 yr old girls are less neurotic than adult women and I'd take them more srsly than 6oi or this cum gargling sex worker.

Sick of women beingbable to mouth off braindead vagina thoughts.

Expand full comment
Rose's avatar

Feminist alert (men don’t fancy her).

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

This is why women shouldn't have the right to vote.

"Enthusiatic consent".

Women are retarded. I shouldn't have to treat them like equals when they come up with neurotic ideas like enthusiastic consent.

Right. Because if she reluctantly consent ten it's rape. Sorry. Forgot about that. Platonic rape ideal or whatever. Female shenanigans.

Expand full comment
Bonnie's avatar

👍🏽🔥❤️

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

Thx for reminding us all how neurotic irrational and borderline subhuman women and nu males are.

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

Most sex workers are like, 20 yr old girls on onlyfans you cock gargling retard.

This comment is another reminder of womens vile nature.

This comment is a reminder that women, are borderline subhuman, and will in fact say the most hysterical and irrational bullshit, that not even a chimp would fall for.

Expand full comment
Jay's avatar

This the most neurotic and effeminate comment written by a neurotic female or an effeminate nu male.

You should gargle on some cock for being such a nu male faggot. Honestly.

"Have their way".

They're making a fucking transaction dude get over yourself holy fuck.

Expand full comment
Lucas's avatar

It's no less predatory than choreplay in my view. Sex is always an exchange. Whether the transaction is for money, closeness or whatever.

Expand full comment
Yaa Owusuaa's avatar

I enjoy reading your pieces. Nicely written.

Expand full comment
Secret Escort's avatar

Thank you 💜

Expand full comment